So lately, I feel like I am floating...well, more like barely keeping my head above water. I am 28, not married, no relationship, no kids, in between jobs and I keep thinking that My time is running out and my window of opportunity is shutting and I better get it all together in the next two years or my life will mean nothing and I have no idea how I am supposed to pull this off......

As I get older, I start to realize I am not alone in this. Alot of people my age are going through this same thing and it is normal. I just wish I knew more people around me physically feeling the burden of this as I am. Some days, I am fine and I have a set idea of where the hell my life is headed, and then the next day I can't boil water without burning it and my socks don't match, I can't find a hairbrush or my ponytail holders and for the love of ALL THAT I HOLD DEAR IN THIS WORLD will you stop fighting over who has more juice/soda/cookies/brains/oxygen?!?! (<---I am helping my mom raise her three under 18 hellions/children)

I have to find comfort in the belief that I have helped other peoples lives, even if maybe I feel it was sometimes at the expense of my own. I had to use my twenties to really grow up and figure out who the hell I was, and I am happy to be approaching my 30's with this type of insights. I will no longer be swayed by late nights out drinking with the girls, or pretty boys and their pretty blonde hair and shining blue eyes. College will be something I take seriously, because I will appreciate the opportunity like I should have when I was 18.

Figuring it out, trying to make it all fit at 28 is not impossible. It is not easy, not even a little bit, it is scary as hell, plus twice as much work, and  twice the fear of rejection, but 10 times more "I don't give a fuck" attitude to help balance all of that out.

This is my first real bog post. I have never done a blog before, and I do not even know if anyone but me will read it, but I will be writing about everything in here, kind of like an open format journal. Should anyone stumble upon this, thanks for stopping by, I hope I made you think for a minute. :)

Insomniac Music Theatre

It is 3 in the morning and I just want it to rain..............

 Asleep. Awake. Asleep. Awake.......swimming swimming sinking to the bottom of the vast ocean floor no help to reach the surface but would I take it if there was?



Suffocating, crushed under the tow, under the force..surrounded me, no, ATTACKING me, can't see beyond what I think might be could be, MUST BE real, because seeing is believing but do I really believe...I can't be sure of what I feel is or was real, of WHO I thought was real before, all i know is that I stare into the emptiness that sits just behind the eyes of the sad ones, the lonely and depressed ones and I wonder what it is I fight so hard for, I TRY so hard for?


 This is not a plea, I am not begging for a reason why, just simply pondering the act of asking the question, the question in and of itself, wondering if its really worth the effort to ask......The question is where the heart truly lies, it's in the pieces  in the in between that you can find, that I can find that we all can find who and what we are truly meant to be. I find myself in an insomniac's DrEamScApE these past few days, not knowing which way is up and which is out, which way is in and which is down......


Sleep comes quick and with it dreams of a better way a better day a better night........I hope to get some fucking sleep tonight